We could always cut off Bobby’s arm.” This was one of the suggestions for how my friends and I, 10 years old, could fund our new tree fort. Bobby’s mom had purchased the insurance sold through elementary schools. You know, the one that paid your parents $5000 if you lost a limb, $10000 for two limbs, $15000 for two limbs and an eye, and so on. 

I don’t like insurance companies. Don’t get me wrong, they are some of the easiest companies to deal with when they’re collecting your premiums. The problem comes when you try to make a claim. There is a reason that the tallest and most prestigious-looking office towers in major cities across the country have insurance company logos on them. They don’t like to pay claims and I would even go further and suggest that they often do everything possible to avoid paying claims. 

Does anyone else hate those insurance company forms? They’re often many pages, filled with stupid questions, and accompanied with requests for all your health records. Lastly, they state that the cost of all this must be borne by the patient who in many cases, in case anyone forgot, isn’t working and therefore doesn’t have extra money. 

If patients succeed in getting short-term disability, they must repeat the whole painful process in order to apply for long-term disability if their condition persists. The patients then get yearly forms to fill out to make sure they are still disabled and frequent “friendly” follow-up calls from case managers just to make sure they are not vacationing in Hawaii. 

When it comes time to complete the phy­sician portion of the form, I find my­self writing things on them like, “Surprisingly, despite the years passing, Mr Smith’s right arm has not grown back. I think he is purposely cutting off the new growth so that he can continue to collect money he doesn’t need.”

I have even had families experience difficulties collecting on life insurance. Usually, my patient has died prematurely of some horrible illness and the family is still reeling from the death. The grieving family then has to prove to the insurance company that their relative really is dead and didn’t have a brain tumor 15 years ago when they first applied for the insurance. 

How do you prove that someone didn’t have a pre-existing brain tumor after they’re dead? “Honey, I think I’m going to pop in for a whole body scan while you and the kids are in line to visit Santa, because you never know.”

Lastly, how about those life insurance applications, 90% of which are handled by a company called Keyfacts Canada? First a request arrives for medical information about one of your patients who has applied. A few days later another letter arrives from Keyfacts asking for the status of your report. This is supplemented by the following week’s request wanting an update on the status of your status. I have got my staff to fax them back, call the company, and even send letters asking them to stop, all without success.

These request letters are all signed by Ms Emma Botley. Since I am a cynic, I have long suspected that Ms Botley isn’t a real individual as she couldn’t possibly be talented enough to handle all of Canada’s life insurance requests on her own. At the bottom of her letters is a contact phone number, which I dialed one day. 

I meant to leave a friendly message asking her to stop sending frequent re­quests for updates on a report that I just received and am doing the best I can to complete in a timely fashion. I intended to explain that I’m not sitting around twiddling my thumbs so please have a little patience. Sadly, I think what I actually said was, “Stop sending me those @#$% letters you &*@#!”

Two days later I received an envelope from Keyfacts that I didn’t open as it was either another request or a restraining order. 
—DRR